shits happened, it's just that i never tweet it;

The moment I decided to leave Bernama for current beloved Empire Shopping Gallery, I was full of determination & passion & was totally looking forward to pour in my heart & soul to the new job. And thus, that was all I did. Months to go for the wedding, I was still crazy over Empire Shopping Gallery. Till one fine night, after my usual weekends' meet up with my then fiance (now hubby) lead to another hang-up with his friend at one of Arabic Restaurant in Damai, I then out of sudden collapsed on the road. Yeah, unconsciously collapse & bang my face on the road. The details are quite too scary to be explain. Am still having a fake rabbit tooth up to today. Eating a crunchy apple would be a problem to me since then. At 1 point I was afraid the fake tooth would come out during labour, but it survive...fuhh...

Then we got married. I would like to pass all the family/preparation/chaos before/during after the ceremonies.

My then step-dad got prostate condition, he missed the reception in Kuantan. Sadly, my mom attended Kuantan's reception with her 2 cousin sisters ONLY. Yes, I would like to pass my family chronic panic relationship also.

Wedding receptions passed, meanwhile, I had to deal with long distance relationship with hubby, weekend husband & wife. Life was horrible. Too many screaming session. Last year (2010) Ramadhan, I got to know that I was pregnant.

I was a happy pregnant lady, hubby finally got permanently transferred to his main office in KL. Alhamdulillah. As am starting to mend my new family life, little I realized, mom was having problem with hers. I would like to pass the details of the problem too, hubby 1st raya with my family was quite sad. Enough said about that.

Early 2011, I was heavily pregnant, of all the dramas, ups & downs, my mom & then stepdad (now no relation at all) finally ended it. Their 17 years old marriage, end. Then mom is alone again, decided to go on with her life taking care of my 18 years old special down's brother (yeah, we have a special boy in our life all these while, we love him so much).

April 2011, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, Iman Dhani. Unlike any other mother, it was quite difficult for me to cope up at first. Then I realized, am no mommy material but that doesn't mean I cannot try my very best to become one. Bond between a mom & a child grows inevitably incredible. Today, I dare to say, I cannot live without him, my child, my Iman.

Now, Ramadhan is here again, am a different person all over, my mom is a different person all over, our whole life is different all over, but we still survive pass, current & prepared for awaiting shits.

For more shits, till the next entry.

Ramadhan ini;

Saya sedang berjuang.

Untuk teruskan niat suci susukan Iman Dhani.

Ya Allah, permudahkanlah rezeki buat anakku.

pendam;

usul kau kata aku sexist tu aku sangkal. sebab bila ianya keluar dari mulut ibu kau, nescaya kau takkan rasakan statement2 tu sexist. masalahnya, i think you people got issue cause bukan tanggungjawab perempuan untuk pening memikirkan ekonomi keluarga yg tak menentu, kena pikir tentang bil tertunggak sambil susukan anak, memang la susu tak keluar kan? so? jgn salahkan aku kalau kita terpaksa bagi anak susu tepung kelak. lelaki2 zaman sekarang mmg terlalu manja. sekian.

sehidup belum tentu semati;

"hidup saya susah", kata aku.

silence.

kesakitan aku terlalu aku tunjuk2kan mungkin, sampai kau rasa sakit itu tidaklah separah mana. hidup aku ni terlalu aku habis2kan dengan menuntut perhatian dari kau. sudahlah, aku letih.

semakin jauh, semakin dalam;

hidup kita manusia ni, semakin jauh perjalanannya, semakin dalam permasalahannya. aku click entry-entry aku tahun2 dulu, rasa malu sendiri, entah apa2 yg aku rungutkan. tapi at this stage mcm sekarang ni di mana benda2 penting yg mmg bukan saja mengundang migraine malah boleh akibatkan urat saraf otak putus, makin kurang pula aku merungut. bila kala aku jatuh tersembam paling bawah sekali dalam hidup, jari jemari aku tak sampai pula ke sini untuk sesi luahan. kenapa? aku kurang pandai bercerita or maybe aku terlalu byk baca blog org lain yg buat aku rasa depa lebih malang dari aku.

........

mama, kembali seorang diri after so many years of marriage with the stepfather, we all failed to hold it up any longer. at first, aku rasa everything going to be fine, ada or takda suami kan dia tetap mama aku, one and only wirawati ragaku. asalnya kami dok leka fokus pada perkara2 funny yg tak pyh lagi kami ulangi seperti berhempas pulas menyediakan makanan gaya keluarga Haji Bahari di hari raya, berdarah2 telinga tahan pertengkaran kami sesama famili. Mama kata, Tuhan dah tentukan semuanya, kata mama dia memang ditakdirkan bela cucu, kalau Haji Bahari still around, mungkin mama tak dapat jaga Iman. TAPI.

........

Sebut pasal Iman, cinta kita dengan anak ni, makin lama makin dalam tau. Langsung tak sama mcm cinta kita sama kekasih. Serius. Hari pertama Iman datang dalam hidup aku, aku menangis sebab takut am losing my old-self, nipple hancur berdarah sebab nak breastfeed. Tapi hari ini aku akan menangis kalau kena kerja lebih masa tak dapat balik awal jumpa Iman Dhani. In future, I bet I'll cry when Iman start bergayut on the phone lama2 sama girlfriend.

.......

Aku tak merungut bila kena berpantang sendiri after melahirkan itu hari. Tapi memang Tuhan nak duga kami anak beranak, mama jatuh sakit. Berpantang dgn mak sendiri tak sama ye berpantang sama mak mentua. Rasa sedih je selalu masa dalam pantang. Dalam nangis2, lepas juga hazab berpantang then mula kerja, hazab battle every morning pula. Dari Penchala, have to drive down to Cheras to send Iman to mama's then heading up again to Subang. EVERY MORNING. Tapi aku kental, asalkan dapat spend time sama Iman, kejap pun jadilah sebab by the time I get to see Iman again after work, Iman dah tido.

........

TAPI. Haji Bahari kahwin lagi. Aku tau hati mama hancur pedih di sebalik senyum gelak tawa dia tu. Paling sedih, aku sebagai anak, tak dapat buat apa pun untuk legakan hati dia. Malahan susahkan dia lagi mintak jagakan Iman. Menda-menda macam ni, cemanalah nak kongsi dengan suami. Kita faham lah hati perasaan mak kita, takkan kita nak harapkan org lain faham juga kan. Susah. Kadang2 aku fikir, kalau aku tunggu sikit lagi & tangguhkan perkahwinan aku, agak2 mesti parent aku tak divorce. Kalau memang dah takdir mama hidup sendiri di akhir2 hayat dia ni pun, aku single, aku boleh la jaga dia betul2. Tapi ni semua ketentuan Dia. Tak baik aku nak sesalkan. Bila dah jadi isteri ni lain, mak kita sendiri pun akan rasa lain. Nak duduk lama2 kat rumah anak, tak senang punggung. Nak ajak aku buat apapun, kena pastikan suami izinkan. Berbelah bahagi rasa.

.........

Tapi hidup, hendak tak hendak, mesti diteruskan. Boleh tak boleh, hari2 berlalu juga. Kena harung, kena harung.... Makin dalam makin jauh....

bercinta & berkeluarga;

here. sampai lagi aku di sini, dalam situasi di mana aku perlu squeeze dalam2 akal fikiran aku utk buat the best decision at this point of time in life. tentang kerja, kerjaya & keluarga. kalau dulu, aku boleh kata aku ingin lari jauh2 tinggalkan semua, bertapa di pulau idaman tempat tiada siapa boleh cari aku, sekarang biar apapun terjadi, tak mungkin aku tinggalkan iman. kata mama, susah cemanapun, aku kena harung juga sebab now aku ada iman. aku nak merungut perihal duit tak pernah cukup. masa tak pernah cukup. jangankan nak melepak berjam2 habiskan masa di kedai mamak layan teh tarik dgn kawan2 or nak melaram tukar ganti 5-6 round baju sebelum keluar, kalau aku dapat mandi & duduk dalam bilik air lebih dari 5 minit aku dah cukup bersyukur. mana nak kejar buat itu ini, mana nak tatap muka iman yg aku sayangi, mana nak fikir campaign raya tahun ni untuk empire shopping gallery, sudah bila nak fikir pasal diri sendiri? dalam banyak2 perkara menghentam aku sekarang, suddenly ada curiosity membuak2 dalam hati aku nak tau apa ada dalam hati ahmad razin ahmad faudzi.... aku rindu kami yg dulu..

sayang anak;

yes, i fully breastfeed my baby. yes, i pump out my milk everyday at work. I AM FREAKIN' FULLY BREASTFEED MY BABY. inilah satu2nya masa aku nak puji diri sendiri, AM PROUD OF MYSELF. good job helina, keep it up!