Thursday, December 29, 2011

Hello blogspot;

For a second, I thought I could at least post up few pics of my son.  But am terribly overwhelmed with everything that I could possibly relate to my jourrney of being a mommy.  Later maybe?  


No love can beat maternal love.  No kid. 

Alive & kicking, still.  


Thursday, October 6, 2011

real shit;

happened last 28th September 2011;
"Beloved" Empire Shopping Gallery  technically exploded (er...only a little part of the leftside of the building).  Friends, families, relatives SEMUA concern & ingat aku akan cuti lama.  Yeaaahhhhh right, no no no.  More shits happened... (Malas nak jelas further).

Rasanya cukuplah, perlu cari kerja lain.  Kerja impian yg aku gembar-gemburkan ni tak se-cool mana pun ye kawan2.  Sekarang saya ada Iman Dhani.  Cukup2 lah saya abaikan Robot Asmara.

Ini luahan ikhlas saya, sorry boss, I hate you. 




Monday, August 15, 2011

shits happened, it's just that i never tweet it;

The moment I decided to leave Bernama for current beloved Empire Shopping Gallery, I was full of determination & passion & was totally looking forward to pour in my heart & soul to the new job. And thus, that was all I did. Months to go for the wedding, I was still crazy over Empire Shopping Gallery. Till one fine night, after my usual weekends' meet up with my then fiance (now hubby) lead to another hang-up with his friend at one of Arabic Restaurant in Damai, I then out of sudden collapsed on the road. Yeah, unconsciously collapse & bang my face on the road. The details are quite too scary to be explain. Am still having a fake rabbit tooth up to today. Eating a crunchy apple would be a problem to me since then. At 1 point I was afraid the fake tooth would come out during labour, but it survive...fuhh...

Then we got married. I would like to pass all the family/preparation/chaos before/during after the ceremonies.

My then step-dad got prostate condition, he missed the reception in Kuantan. Sadly, my mom attended Kuantan's reception with her 2 cousin sisters ONLY. Yes, I would like to pass my family chronic panic relationship also.

Wedding receptions passed, meanwhile, I had to deal with long distance relationship with hubby, weekend husband & wife. Life was horrible. Too many screaming session. Last year (2010) Ramadhan, I got to know that I was pregnant.

I was a happy pregnant lady, hubby finally got permanently transferred to his main office in KL. Alhamdulillah. As am starting to mend my new family life, little I realized, mom was having problem with hers. I would like to pass the details of the problem too, hubby 1st raya with my family was quite sad. Enough said about that.

Early 2011, I was heavily pregnant, of all the dramas, ups & downs, my mom & then stepdad (now no relation at all) finally ended it. Their 17 years old marriage, end. Then mom is alone again, decided to go on with her life taking care of my 18 years old special down's brother (yeah, we have a special boy in our life all these while, we love him so much).

April 2011, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, Iman Dhani. Unlike any other mother, it was quite difficult for me to cope up at first. Then I realized, am no mommy material but that doesn't mean I cannot try my very best to become one. Bond between a mom & a child grows inevitably incredible. Today, I dare to say, I cannot live without him, my child, my Iman.

Now, Ramadhan is here again, am a different person all over, my mom is a different person all over, our whole life is different all over, but we still survive pass, current & prepared for awaiting shits.

For more shits, till the next entry.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Ramadhan ini;

Saya sedang berjuang.

Untuk teruskan niat suci susukan Iman Dhani.

Ya Allah, permudahkanlah rezeki buat anakku.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

pendam;

usul kau kata aku sexist tu aku sangkal. sebab bila ianya keluar dari mulut ibu kau, nescaya kau takkan rasakan statement2 tu sexist. masalahnya, i think you people got issue cause bukan tanggungjawab perempuan untuk pening memikirkan ekonomi keluarga yg tak menentu, kena pikir tentang bil tertunggak sambil susukan anak, memang la susu tak keluar kan? so? jgn salahkan aku kalau kita terpaksa bagi anak susu tepung kelak. lelaki2 zaman sekarang mmg terlalu manja. sekian.

sehidup belum tentu semati;

"hidup saya susah", kata aku.

silence.

kesakitan aku terlalu aku tunjuk2kan mungkin, sampai kau rasa sakit itu tidaklah separah mana. hidup aku ni terlalu aku habis2kan dengan menuntut perhatian dari kau. sudahlah, aku letih.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

semakin jauh, semakin dalam;

hidup kita manusia ni, semakin jauh perjalanannya, semakin dalam permasalahannya. aku click entry-entry aku tahun2 dulu, rasa malu sendiri, entah apa2 yg aku rungutkan. tapi at this stage mcm sekarang ni di mana benda2 penting yg mmg bukan saja mengundang migraine malah boleh akibatkan urat saraf otak putus, makin kurang pula aku merungut. bila kala aku jatuh tersembam paling bawah sekali dalam hidup, jari jemari aku tak sampai pula ke sini untuk sesi luahan. kenapa? aku kurang pandai bercerita or maybe aku terlalu byk baca blog org lain yg buat aku rasa depa lebih malang dari aku.

........

mama, kembali seorang diri after so many years of marriage with the stepfather, we all failed to hold it up any longer. at first, aku rasa everything going to be fine, ada or takda suami kan dia tetap mama aku, one and only wirawati ragaku. asalnya kami dok leka fokus pada perkara2 funny yg tak pyh lagi kami ulangi seperti berhempas pulas menyediakan makanan gaya keluarga Haji Bahari di hari raya, berdarah2 telinga tahan pertengkaran kami sesama famili. Mama kata, Tuhan dah tentukan semuanya, kata mama dia memang ditakdirkan bela cucu, kalau Haji Bahari still around, mungkin mama tak dapat jaga Iman. TAPI.

........

Sebut pasal Iman, cinta kita dengan anak ni, makin lama makin dalam tau. Langsung tak sama mcm cinta kita sama kekasih. Serius. Hari pertama Iman datang dalam hidup aku, aku menangis sebab takut am losing my old-self, nipple hancur berdarah sebab nak breastfeed. Tapi hari ini aku akan menangis kalau kena kerja lebih masa tak dapat balik awal jumpa Iman Dhani. In future, I bet I'll cry when Iman start bergayut on the phone lama2 sama girlfriend.

.......

Aku tak merungut bila kena berpantang sendiri after melahirkan itu hari. Tapi memang Tuhan nak duga kami anak beranak, mama jatuh sakit. Berpantang dgn mak sendiri tak sama ye berpantang sama mak mentua. Rasa sedih je selalu masa dalam pantang. Dalam nangis2, lepas juga hazab berpantang then mula kerja, hazab battle every morning pula. Dari Penchala, have to drive down to Cheras to send Iman to mama's then heading up again to Subang. EVERY MORNING. Tapi aku kental, asalkan dapat spend time sama Iman, kejap pun jadilah sebab by the time I get to see Iman again after work, Iman dah tido.

........

TAPI. Haji Bahari kahwin lagi. Aku tau hati mama hancur pedih di sebalik senyum gelak tawa dia tu. Paling sedih, aku sebagai anak, tak dapat buat apa pun untuk legakan hati dia. Malahan susahkan dia lagi mintak jagakan Iman. Menda-menda macam ni, cemanalah nak kongsi dengan suami. Kita faham lah hati perasaan mak kita, takkan kita nak harapkan org lain faham juga kan. Susah. Kadang2 aku fikir, kalau aku tunggu sikit lagi & tangguhkan perkahwinan aku, agak2 mesti parent aku tak divorce. Kalau memang dah takdir mama hidup sendiri di akhir2 hayat dia ni pun, aku single, aku boleh la jaga dia betul2. Tapi ni semua ketentuan Dia. Tak baik aku nak sesalkan. Bila dah jadi isteri ni lain, mak kita sendiri pun akan rasa lain. Nak duduk lama2 kat rumah anak, tak senang punggung. Nak ajak aku buat apapun, kena pastikan suami izinkan. Berbelah bahagi rasa.

.........

Tapi hidup, hendak tak hendak, mesti diteruskan. Boleh tak boleh, hari2 berlalu juga. Kena harung, kena harung.
... Makin dalam makin jauh....

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

bercinta & berkeluarga;

here. sampai lagi aku di sini, dalam situasi di mana aku perlu squeeze dalam2 akal fikiran aku utk buat the best decision at this point of time in life. tentang kerja, kerjaya & keluarga. kalau dulu, aku boleh kata aku ingin lari jauh2 tinggalkan semua, bertapa di pulau idaman tempat tiada siapa boleh cari aku, sekarang biar apapun terjadi, tak mungkin aku tinggalkan iman. kata mama, susah cemanapun, aku kena harung juga sebab now aku ada iman. aku nak merungut perihal duit tak pernah cukup. masa tak pernah cukup. jangankan nak melepak berjam2 habiskan masa di kedai mamak layan teh tarik dgn kawan2 or nak melaram tukar ganti 5-6 round baju sebelum keluar, kalau aku dapat mandi & duduk dalam bilik air lebih dari 5 minit aku dah cukup bersyukur. mana nak kejar buat itu ini, mana nak tatap muka iman yg aku sayangi, mana nak fikir campaign raya tahun ni untuk empire shopping gallery, sudah bila nak fikir pasal diri sendiri? dalam banyak2 perkara menghentam aku sekarang, suddenly ada curiosity membuak2 dalam hati aku nak tau apa ada dalam hati ahmad razin ahmad faudzi.... aku rindu kami yg dulu..

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

sayang anak;

yes, i fully breastfeed my baby. yes, i pump out my milk everyday at work. I AM FREAKIN' FULLY BREASTFEED MY BABY. inilah satu2nya masa aku nak puji diri sendiri, AM PROUD OF MYSELF. good job helina, keep it up!

career & family;

maybe akan say goodbye to Empire Shopping Gallery?

Thursday, June 23, 2011

perempuan berkorban, lelaki bertahan;

Semalam aku mengomel, perempuan sinonim dgn pengorbanan, ASAL PEREMPUAN PERLU BERKORBAN, terus ada kawan yg mengingatkan, sedangkan LELAKI SELALU BERTAHAN. Fair enough. See? Am quite easy to please lately.

Percaya tak kehidupan sebenar seorang wanita bermula setelah melahirkan? Aku tak pandai nak share isi hati dalam sini sebab asyik baca tulisan orang2 yg power berblogging, buat aku rasa rendah diri nak tulis tentang apa pandangan aku tentang having a baby. Sebab selalunya, pandangan telus aku orang anggap bukan2. Cukuplah aku katakan, nowadays aku boleh duduk depan Iman selama berjam2 just to watch him sleep. Orang kata kasih sayang ibu tiada tandingan, nah sekarang aku dah rasa.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Selamat Hari Bapa;

Kamu org boleh cakap apa saja tapi tak perlu ayat ini; "seteruk or sezalim mana dia pun, dia tetap ayah kamu". period. KAMU ORANG TAKKAN DAPAT BAYANGKAN KEZALIMAN YANG DIA DAH BUAT. so, selamat hari bapa lah kepada bapa2 okay. period.

p/s At least from now on I can wish happy father's day to my dear husband. Alhamdulillah. :)


Friday, June 3, 2011

pantang

ada air mata gembira, air mata sedih, air mata stress, air mata tak tau kenapa keluar air mata segala bagai sedang dalam pantang ni. 44 hari rasa lebih lama dari 9 bulan (in my case almost 10 months mengandung). kalau orang minta aku describe perasaan mempunyai anak, mengandung, melahirkan and sekarang melihat anak dpn mata setiap hari, ya ampun, tak dapat aku nak gambarkan dgn perkataan. bahagianya cemana, sengsaranya cemana. bila aku asyik meng-google blog2 org baca pengalaman mereka dulu, tak penah sekali pun terlintas dalam fikiran aku, i would break down & cry di hari aku mula susukan iman.

berpantang sendiri mmg mencabar, mana nk mandi, nak siapkan makanan, nk look after the baby at the same time kusut tgk keadaan rumah yg carca marba. bila nmpk kelibat diri depan cermin, rasa our old-self slowly walk away, kita automatically menjadi org yg baru, seperti kita yg dulu takkan datang datang lagi.

aku rindu aku yg dulu, melihatkan senyum anak dgn mata bulat pandang tepat ke arah aku, ya Allah, hidup aku sekarang tiada lain selain utk dia.

my iman 33 days old

Monday, May 2, 2011

28 april 2011, hadiah dari Allah swt;

IMAN DHANI AHMAD RAZIN
Born at Putra Medical Centre on 28th april 2011, 11.30am, weight 3.7kg

Friday, April 22, 2011

Allahuakbar;

Doa perempuan lebih makbul daripada lelaki kerana sifat penyayangnya yang lebih kuat daripada lelaki. Ketika ditanya kepada Rasulullah s.a.w. akan hal tersebut, jawab Baginda s.a.w., "Ibu lebih penyayang daripada bapa dan doa orang yang penyayang tidak akan sia-sia".

Apabila seseorang perempuan mengandung janin dalam rahimnya, maka beristighfarlah para malaikat untuknya. Allah s.w.t. mencatatkan baginya setiap hari dengan 1,000 kebajikan dan menghapuskan darinya 1,000 kejahatan

Apabila seseorang perempuan mulai sakit hendak bersalin, maka Allah s.w.t. mencatatkan baginya pahala orang yang berjihad pada jalan Allah s.w.t.

Apabila seseorang perempuan melahirkan anak, keluarlah dia dari dosa-dosa seperti keadaan ibunya melahirkannya.

Apabila telah lahir anak lalu disusui, maka bagi ibu itu setiap satu tegukan daripada susunya diberi satu kebajikan.

Apabila semalaman ibu tidak tidur dan memelihara anaknya yang sakit, maka Allah s.w.t. memberinya pahala seperti memerdekakan 70 hamba dengan ikhlas untuk membela agama Allah s.w.t.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

surreal

for anyone who knows me, i don't blame you guys for labelling me as a grumpy complainer whom forever never happy with whatever situation it is. it's okay, i learned how to accept criticism nowadays. smile.

it must be the pregnancy hormones. for sure. without realizing it, am a happier person? i don't think too much no more. i don't care too much no more.

afterall, i still think life is unfair. people would have so many things to say most of the time. i started to filter, no matter how stupid i think my girlfriend is, she is still my girlfriend, i have to accept her for who she is now (though i remember clearly she was way better before). well, people change, my girlfriend changed, my bf/fiance/now husband changed. my step-dad changed. my mum changed. i changed.

my point is, why bother? this is life. looking back few years behind, when i started this blog, i never thought that 1 day, i will be the pregnant lady trying to share with world how surreal it is the feeling of having a baby. back then, those writings were all about how stupid & lame & unfortunate my life was. This year, Dear Allah tested me & family & He also given me strenght I never had before. The stronger I get, the more people expected from me. How is it fair when I gave you people excuse to be who you are but you never acknowledge my sacrifices of becoming better person so I can get along with you better? People are just selfish like that.

However, everything else doesn't really matter anymore. I will be having a child, out from my body, an out of the world experience. So people, forgive me for being me, last time & this time. Am a proud soon-to-be mommy. Insyaallah dipanjangkan umur.

Friday, April 1, 2011

what's in subang?


Today is Friday & am in a bitchy mode - i saw a couple of walking hipsters in my mall. Period.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

03.03.2011

satu masa dulu, 03.03.2004

hari ini 03.03.2011, manusia takkan berhenti berubah, kenalah terima perubahan tu seadanya.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

soal hidup & mati, ajal & maut, jodoh & pertemuan

satu:
zuriat darah daging aku akan dilahirkan ke muka bumi soon, insyaallah

dua:
perpisahan datang dalam pelbagai bentuk, dalam kisah hidup kami, perceraian bukanlah perkara luar biasa

tiga:
menjurus kepada hidup sendiri lagi mama. kerana kami darah daging dia, tak mungkin perceraian terjadi antara kami, alhamdulillah

empat:
happy face & ketawakan diri sendiri dalam menghadapi ujian ni adalah satu-satunya pilihan yg kami ada.

lima:
akhirnya, aku faham erti bahagia sebenar: kiblat